Can I Take a Massage?

I suffer from migraine headaches on a fairly frequent but irregular basis (I might go a week or two or three between headaches, or I might have three or four in a single week). Migraines can have a variety of causes, but in my case I'm fairly certain that they are at least partly due to the stress put on my back and neck by long days spent in front of a computer.

A few times over the last few years I've gone in for a massage to help ease the tension. I had my first massage a few years back at Massage Envy, a franchised massage clinic, and when I scheduled the appointment they assigned me to a female therapist. I enjoyed the experience, and have enjoyed several similar experiences since--most at Massage Envy, and all with female therapists (though some were "couples massage" sessions, in which a male therapist worked on Sarah in the same room at the same time).

NOTE: There are a few bits in the rest of this post that are just slightly explicit. If you're uptight about that sort of thing you might not want to read further.

A few months after I came out, as I was exploring the various possibilities and appropriate ways of satisfying my desire for male touch and companionship, the idea of a massage from a male therapist occurred to me. I discussed the idea with Sarah and she seemed reasonably accepting of the idea, but in each of the next few appointments that I made (including at least one "couples" session) I chickened out and didn't specifically request a male therapist--which means I got a female.

Then, a few weeks ago, my neck and shoulders were exceptionally tight and I was in an unusual amount of pain and I decided that it was time to take the plunge. For whatever reason, I was still reluctant to request a male therapist at Massage Envy, and so I turned elsewhere... to Craigslist, of all places.

I know, right? But I was very careful. I read several ads and automatically disqualified the ones that had questionable phrases (ones that seemed "coded" to imply that the massage could be more than just a massage).

I finally narrowed the options down to two. Both ads were straightforward and the (licensed) therapists presented themselves well. One was in Provo (an hour away) and charged $70/hour, the other was in Draper (30 minutes) and charged $40/hour. I chose the closer and less expensive option and scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon. Before I left I made sure that Sarah had the guy's name, address and phone number and knew when I was supposed to be done (because you never can be too careful, right?)

When I got there he asked me a few standard questions--did I have any health issues that he needed to be aware of, stuff like that... I got a little nervous when he asked if I was with any law enforcement or licensing agency, and when he asked if I was looking for a "sensual massage" or a "release" (there are those code words that were missing from his Craigslist ad), but I just answered "no" to both questions and then he led me into the room with the massage table and left me to undress.

(If you've never had a massage you might not know that a massage is most effective when you're not clothed, so you'll typically be asked to "undress to your level of comfort", and then you'll be "draped" with a towel or sheet during the massage, to keep your private bits private.)

I'm not terribly shy when it comes to nudity, and I've always undressed entirely for a massage, and I did so at this point, then laid myself down on the table and covered myself with the towel he had provided. He returned a minute later and began the massage.

Wow. There have been discussions on other blogs about the difference between male and female touch, and I've experienced this to some extent myself in the hugs that I've grown rather fond of over the last year or so and the day-to-day interactions that are a normal part of life. But this was a different experience altogether.

It wasn't sexual or erotic, or at least it hardly was. There was just something electric and intimate and affirming about it that I'm really having a hard time describing. I actually do get the same jolt occasionally (not every time) when Sarah and I kiss, and I think that it's the emotional connection that I have with her that allows me to feel that, but to feel that same electricity with someone I don't know...

I'm sure that the intensity of the feeling is mostly due to the fact that I have been starved for male touch my whole life. I doubt that straight guys feel the same thing when they get a massage from a female therapist, and I wouldn't be surprised if a gay guy who is "experienced" would not think anything of a massage (assuming it was just a massage).

At any rate, if there had been any doubt in my mind before this experience that I'm gay (there wasn't...) this would have erased that doubt. I like guys--I like the way they look, and I like to be close to them and to be touched by them.

If I end my post right now it'll sound like this was a fairly superficial experience, but it actually turned out to be a very meaningful learning experience for me, and I think that's the main reason I wanted to talk about it in the first place, so this post is going to get a bit longer. :)

As the massage went on, there were times when it did get a bit... arousing. When he was massaging my thighs, for example, his hands ever-so-slightly grazed my scrotum once or twice, and that got a reaction.

Based on the things he had said in the pre-massage questions, I'm fairly certain that if I had interrupted him at any point and said that, actually, I was interested in a sensual massage and a release, he would willingly have massaged the few parts of my body that had been designated as "hands-off". That thought did occur to me once or twice during the 90-minute session.

But I can honestly say that even though I thought about the possibility, and even though there were times when my body clearly wanted a release, I never actually seriously considered it an option.

A few months ago I blogged about arousal, and suggested that rather than teaching our teens to avoid situations that might result in arousal, we need to teach them that occasional arousal is normal, and that they simply don't need to act on it. This experience seemed to me a perfect example of that concept. I enjoyed the massage, and I definitely got turned on at times, but I never believed that I needed to act on the arousal and carry it through to the point of release.

When we finished, he left me a towel to clean the oil off my body and left the room. I cleaned up, dressed, thanked him, paid him, and left.

I might not ever return to that therapist... I wasn't completely comfortable with him, and I'd really like to find a therapist who I can feel completely comfortable with to visit on a regular basis.

But I'll definitely go for a massage from a male therapist again. In addition to the physical (muscle-relaxing and stress-releasing) benefits of massage (which I've been getting all along), with a male therapist I also get some therapeutic male touch in a situation that should be relatively protected from potential slip-ups (provided I'm seeing a reputable massage therapist).

Would I recommend the experience for others? I guess it depends on what your boundaries are, and how your self control is. I know people who would probably have a difficult time in a situation like the one I was in (and please understand that I'm not trying to imply that I'm better than they are--merely that in this one area I might not be as likely to give in to temptation as they are). I also know people for whom it would be no problem. Hopefully everyone knows what they would be able to handle and can make a wise decision regarding whether or not something like this would be appropriate for them.

I've gotten a wide range of feedback and opinions on similar topics (cuddling, etc.) and I'm interested to know what people think about massage. Was it appropriate for me to go to a male massage therapist? Is it appropriate for me to repeat the experience in the future? Is there anything I should have done differently? Please feel free to share your opinions in the comments!